I just got off the road after 10 hours in the van with 2 kids under 12, no air conditioning and little sleep. I have been "on the road" for 3.5 weeks now. I was looking at photos of the trip and came across one snapchat I took of myself after camping in the van in TN. My sunglasses are crooked and I can see clearly for the first time that A LOT of my hair has turned grey.... (I haven't had time to find a new hairdresser in GA) .
I thought to myself - Oh well. Grey hair don't care. Lets be stoked about these little signs of aging. Like my c-section scar, my tattoos, my wedding rings or my gnarly ankle scar - all reminders that I wear daily, of the full and rich life I live. It's not always pretty, it's not always easy, (and right now the horizon has just as many scary things as exciting ones) - but I am choosing to embrace it as it comes. I only know that it is one day at a time. This daily choice is not easy to make. I have no idea if it will work. I have to tell myself WHY about 100 times a day. Tell myself 100 times a day it WILL BE OK. THIS is my new version of LADY BOSS. I get to work harder towards her each day.
Why? Because I struggle with major anxiety and depression. Because I was diagnosed in May with bi-polar. I had a melt down. And then another one. It was truly awful and terrifying. Wow, that was tough to write. But screw it! Its true, and trust me - it was even harder for me to accept than it is to write it on the internet. I am on meds now that are working wonders and who knows, maybe this post will show just one person that they aren't alone.
The big truth is, that this year while all of these amazing things were happening in my life, some really tough things happened too, and I struggled. I am human.
Through counseling and my husband's constant support, I am getting tough again. And I learned how to check in with myself, like one checks in on their social media. (You should be doing the former more often than the latter!)
Being an "army wife" forces you to accept things you just don't want to. I am still learning how to be my version of one, but I have the greatest loving husband. Being a CP mom for all these years has made me tough and compassionate, believing in humor as medicine and the bond between a mother and child can move mountains. Being a full time step mom is teaching me real patience and learning to parent a new way, being a sister and a daughter has taught me unconditional support.
So yes, lots of scary changes have happened this year. Yes its hard for me to talk about them. I really don't like living in Georgia, but I love my family. I miss Trace so much it feels like my right arm is missing. But I keep going, Telling myself that 100 more times. This part of being human is so real. So real it will overwhelm when you let it.
Change is, as they say, the only constant. Pretty scary thought right? And it is so easy to compare yourself to others. We do it from the first time we understand that one of our childhood friends has a different home life than us. Now the world is constantly in our faces telling us.
Even last night, I shared the good and funny pics from my weekend at Country Living Fair. While being a record for my business, that I worked super hard for - the trip was still full of anxiety and doubt. They were hiccups in plans and chaos. There were moments I just closed my eyes and wished so hard my husband was there, and moments I was proud of my lady boss self. But we did it. Myself and my two stepsons Elliot and Thomas, made a record for my business, and grew closer while we did it. Our way may have been haphazard, flexible, making it up as we go...With that 100 times a day of telling myself thrown in.
It would have been easy to compare myself all weekend to other vendors or people, who seemingly have it all better or altogether.
Whats the point? I think that it is that real life requires your constant effort, no matter what is going on around you. Whether its getting over a huge change, or trying to make little changes here and there. You must continue to fight for your Lady Boss self.
When you feel like the world is telling you to dye your grey hairs, to change who you are, to not be a little bit of a mess, to not feel different from others - push back for yourself. Push back for the life you want to live.
And keep on telling yourself (like me, 100 times daily) WHY you are working at this, and that you got this.
Remember that "We are all in a different part, of the same boat, as everyone else."
So, I will be over here rowing, gaining my grey hairs and talking to myself, day by day. Here if you need me :)